The Secret Lives of Death Eaters
by Claire Violet Thorpe
Summary: MY FINAL HARRY POTTER STORY! In which the Dark Lord causes some serious trouble with his Death Eaters... DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!
1. In which the gang decides to go shopping

Date began: March 31, 2007

Summary: Think the Death Eaters cause nothing but trouble? Think again!

Genre: general, humor, parody, comedy

If you thought all Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters do is cause trouble for everyone else, you're wrong! In fact, I've read some stories that dealt with him and his Death Eaters doing all kinds of crazy stuff. This series of stories was inspired by the countless fics that I read about this particularly strange entourage.

So without further ado, here's chapter 1!

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**In which the gang decides to go shopping**

"Why are we even here at this despicable place?" the Dark Lord muttered as he stared at the fruit stand. Wormtail giggled as he read a Mad magazine. "Severus!" he shouted. At once Snape showed up. "What is the meaning behind this?"

"Well," said Snape, "I was getting some things for Gabriel and..."

"Oh, what's this?" Wormtail squealed as he saw what looked like several CD's and magazines in Snape's cart.

"Oh, that?" the other wizard said. "Well, since Stacey has to be so obsessed with EVERYTHING rap, I have to get him whatever he likes to keep him happy..."

Just then, Bellatrix showed up. She said, "I've got some art supplies for Ernest; he's going to be painting a masterpiece. I'm so excited for my little Ernest!"

"Bellatrix?" snapped Voldemort.

"Yes, Master?" Bellatrix said. Then she remembered. "You mean _our_ little Ernest," Bellatrix corrected herself.

Lucius showed up with all kinds of beauty supplies in his cart. He said, "Somebody used up all my shampoo," while looking at Wormtail.

Wormtail sputtered, "But I was just washing Severus's hair!" Snape frowned as he ran a hand through his now silky smooth hair.

Voldemort sighed and wondered why on earth did I ever take them shopping. Just then, a small boy climbed into his cart. No one knew who he was or where he came from.

Very soon, all of the Death Eaters had made their purchases and were fighting to get their things into the van when their leader showed up. After breaking up a fight between Avery and Rastaban, the Dark Lord said, "Ok minions, we're going home!"

After a few hours, the van pulled up at Riddle Manor. As she left the car, Alecto noticed the boy and asked, Master, did you know that we had a muggle boy in our van?"

Voldemort screamed, "Oh my freaking gods! How the hell did he get in here?" The little boy woke up and smiled at the wizards. "Oh crap! We're in trouble now!"


	2. In which the gang moves into a new house

I should have put in a disclaimer, which is I own nothing but this story. And some characters.

That being done, let's continue!

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**In which the gang moves into a new house**

Voldemort called his Death Eaters to a meeting. He said, "As far as we're concerned, we need to find a less conspicuous place to hide."

"But why not we hide here?" cried Rastaban. "Nobody would dare come here. Not unless they were tired of living or something stupid like that."

"That's true," said Amycus. "But I think muggles might be beginning to notice if we're always hiding in a huge mansion."

"Good point, Amycus," said Dolohov. "I mean, not too many people live in mansions anymore."

"Why don't we try a house?" said Wormtail. Everyone stared at him. "I mean, lots of muggles live in houses. So if we all lived in a house, they'd be less suspicious. They might even be nice."

Everyone glared at him and he whimpered. Voldemort said, "Very good, Wormtail. You did something right for once in your pathetic life. I say we go buy ourselves a house!"

The next day, Voldemort spotted a house that was abandoned. He liked it, with its terribly dilapidated condition. But the real estate agent was trying to sell him a pretty house from down the lane. He was losing his patience.

"But sir," said the agent, "you really don't want to buy that house. It's old and dirty and anyway it's being destroyed to make way for a bigger and better house..."

That did it. Voldemort pulled out his wand and prepared to kill the woman, but Wormtail was much faster. "Imperio!" he shouted. "You will sell us the house."

The woman had no idea she had been cursed. So she said, "I see that you like the house. Shall I draw up the paperwork?" She pulled a bunch of files and said, "Please sign on the dotted line."

With the house now in hand and the real estate agent horribly confused over what had just happened, Voldemort and Wormtail returned to the mansion and said, "I just solved all our problems. We got a house!"

Everyone cheered and clapped Wormtail on his back for getting the house. But little did they know that their new neighbors would be someone who had a vendetta against Voldemort...

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	3. In which the gang meets their new neighb

**In which the gang meets their new neighbors**

The Dark Lord was not happy. In the few hours that he had moved in, scores of curious neighbors had dropped by, never giving him a moment's peace. Wormtail and the others were busy decorating their new house.

Just then the doorbell rang. It had been the same little boy who had tormented the Dark Lord since his unscheduled trip home from the store. "Oh no!" He screamed.

"Hi!" said the small boy. "You're that funny-looking man, right?"

"Christopher," said a woman who stood next to him. "Remember, we only call people by their names."

"Yes, mom," said Christopher. To Voldemort, he said, "My name's Christopher Morrison."

Voldemort frowned as he stared at his junior minions. They had clearly gotten to him with their childlike innocence. "I'm Lord Voldemort," he said to the boy, "and don't your forget it."

SPLAT! Treasure Desiree Spartan Dara Cunningham Reuel Tolkien-Cullen threw a water balloon at his head. "Wrong answer!" she yelled. "Now, tell him your real name."

"Fine!" the Dark Lord yelled. "My name is Tom Marvolo Riddle. Happy now?"

"See?" said Sara Lee. "Now wasn't that so bad?"

Christopher laughed and said, "You're weird!" He then ran off laughing all the way. Mrs. Morrison said, "You know him, he's a bundle of energy."

"More like an annoying troublemaker," Voldemort snapped. He stormed inside and said to the Death Eaters, "I've got some bad news, minions."

"What?" Wormtail said.

"That annoying little boy...the one who snuck into our van...he lives here!" cried Voldemort. A chorus of "NOOOOOO!" filled the room.

But things soon went from bad to worse when the Dark Lord and Wormtail dared to set foot on their new porch. Voldemort had a smile on his face, knowing full well that things could get worse.

They did.

Sean Michael Black had gone out to water his flowers when he looked up and saw a hooded figure right across the street for him. Voldemort smiled at him. "OH MY GOD!" Sean screamed at the top of his lungs. "Evolet, call the Knights! The Dark Lord is in MY neighborhood!"

Voldemort chuckled as he watched a younger witch frantically calling those blasted Knights on her iPhone. He said to Wormtail, "Well, this is interesting, having that horrible Sean as a neighbor. I wonder how far we will go with this."

Wormtail frowned. This was NOT going to be good.

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	4. In which they all discover Twitter

**In which they all discover Twitter**

Voldemort frowned as he watching his young minions sitting around the sitting room with their tiny netbooks and typing into them. He said, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Twitter," said Slade.

"Twitter?" snapped Lord Voldemort. "What's a Twitter?"

"Twitter is just miniature blogging," said Treasure. "Practically everyone does it. Celebrities, politicians, CEO's, sports athletes, yeah, we all do Twitter."

Voldemort left the kids and went to his Death Eaters. He said, "Guess what?"

"What?" said Wormtail.

"We're doing Twitter!" Voldemort yelled.

"He's lost it," said Snape.

Within a few minutes, Voldemort had gotten netbooks and made everyone sign up for Twitter.

I'll let you know who they are following later.

**

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**They are following the people on this list:

Harry-boywholived

Ron-chesslover

Hermione-iluv2read

Jacquel (a.k.a twitter-girl; she tweets more than anyone on this list)-jacquel4magnus

Neville-snakekiller

Fred and George-thetwins

Cornelius Fudge-fudgeme

Charlie Bone-picturetaveler

Manfred Bloor-pyroking

Olivia Vertigo-ucan'tcme

Mr. Onimous-petscafeowner

Paton Yewbeam-lightme

Julia ingledew-readingtime

Artemis Fowl-atrumespotestas

Holly Short-iluvartemis

Opal Koboi-iwillgetwhatiwant

Mulch Diggums-dwarf?heckno!imnogimli

Foaly-dontcallmeponyboy

Violet Baudelaire-inventorgirl

Klaus Baudelaire-thebookworm

Sunny Baudelaire-cookbite

Count Olaf-ih8orphans

Lemony Snicket (rarely tweets)-neverseen

Esme Squalor-onlywhatsin

Peter Pevensie-highking

Susan Pevensie-gentleheart

Edmund Pevensie-justme

Lucy Pevensie-faithfulone

Caspian-susanshallbmine

Aslan (the Lion)-thegreaterone

White Witch/Jadis-mykingdom

Carlisle (close second behind Jacquel)-dr. sparkles

Esme-motherdear

Emmett-thehugeone

Rosalie-vainy peacock

Jasper-emoheart

Alice-letsgoshopping

Edward-musicalheart

Bella-only4edward

Jacob-iluvbella

Billy-watchingoveru

Charlie-i catch bad vampires

Aro-gay4carlisle

Meggie Folchart-ireadbooks2life

Farid-fireinthehole

Lyra Belacqua-goldenone

Lord Asriel-dustkiller

Mrs. Coulter-icausetrouble

Will Parry-true2lyra

Lee Scoresby-flightballoon

Iorek Byrinson-skyarmor

Serafina Pekkala-iflyaway

Mary Maloney-whoamiagain

John Faa-leaderofthegyptians

Farder Coram-ihelpu

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	5. In which they attend a party

**In which they attend a party**

Voldemort did not like to attend parties. Even as a child he hated the parties that were in the orphanage. But this time, he had to attend a party that was in his new neighborhood.

But now, he was standing in his front yard, where scores of neighbors had thrown him a barbeque. Voldemort frowned as neighbors tried to shake his hand and speak to him. "WORMTAIL!" he yelled. The rat-faced man frowned as he approached his master. "Yes?" he squeaked.

"That annoying little boy is here!" the Dark Lord cried. But then he saw Sean talking with one of the neighbors. "But that pathetic Sean Michael Black is here as well."

"Shall I go annoy him?" Wormtail asked.

"Certainly," said Voldemort.

Wormtail laughed as he snuck up behind Sean and clapped his hands behind the younger wizard's shoulders. "OH MY BLOODY GOD!" Sean screamed. "Peter Pettigrew? What the hell are you doing here?"

Wormtail said, "Lord Voldemort wishes to speak to you." He pushed Sean towards the dark wizard.

The Dark Lord smiled and said, "Well, my dear Sean, It's very good to see you again."

Sean snapped, "Well, you're nothing but an evil Sacred son of a festering scallywag-headed squid! They will discover the truth!"

Voldemort laughed and said, "Yes they will...eventually!"

Sean snapped. "Go back to your castle, you evil snake! No one wants to see you! You're too evil for normal people!"

Voldemort pushed Sean to the ground and pounced on him. He said, "You will hold your tongue in my presence!"

"Ewww, get off me!" cried Sean. "And you're not even gay!"

Voldemort ignored him and said, "I will make you respect me, even if it kills you! Or have you forgotten about "dear old Reggie"?"

While that was going on, Bellatrix was busy showing everyone Ernest's new "masterpiece" and Lucius was busy flirting with some of the women.

Severus frowned as some very small children pulled at his hair. The other Death Eaters stared warily at their muggle neighbors.

Lindsey approached them and Voldemort helped Sean up, saying, "And you are going to call off that silly raid of yours."

"No," said Sean, "but I'll be watching you. The moment you step out of line, I'mma get you myself."

Lindsey said, "Sean, why are you here? You were supposed to be taking me to the movies!"

Voldemort slapped Sean. "And you married this woman WHY?"

"Why do you yell at me?" Sean snapped. "I'm taking off now, if you don't mind."

Voldemort grew angry as he watched Sean leave. "Remind me to kill that woman," he said to Wormtail who was standing beside him.

"Why?" said Wormtail.

"That woman is holding Sean back," said the Dark Lord. "He's living a lie. He used to be a Death Eater..."

"Until you killed Regulus," Wormtail snapped.

"Indeed," said Voldemort.

"But what if we can find Regulus and bring him back to life?" said Wormtail. "Then Sean can quit those Knights, dump that woman, and go back to Reggie?"

"Perhaps," said Voldemort. A smile formed on his face. He had a very good feeling that Wormtail's plan was going to work...**  
**

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	6. In Which they all go on a field trip

**In Which they all go on a field trip**

"Ok minions," said Voldemort, "it's time to get ready to go on our field trip! Yes, Severus, you have to come; yes Lucius, your hair is fine; yes Wormtail, you have to sit next to Barty..."

Once again, the Death Eaters were getting ready to go on a field trip...to an art museum. Ernest had picked that place because he liked art.

"Art is lame," said Barty. "I rather go to a monster truck rally."

"Barty, you're going whether you like it or not," snapped Bellatrix. "Now let's go!"

At the art museum, Ernest got lost in all the artwork while the others frowned at having to stare at paintings and statues. But there were those who decided to try something else.

"C'mon," said Rosier. "Let's get on that ship!"

A group of Death Eaters boarded the ship, not knowing that it was a real space ship. The Dark Lord looked around and all he saw were Wormtail, Bellatrix, Snape, and Lucius. No one else was there.

"Where are those brats?" he thundered.

"I don't know," said Wormtail. "The children were in the painting section when I last saw them."

"Yes, but the other Death Eaters are gone," said Voldemort. "Now where did they go?"

Back on the spaceship, Rastaban cried out, "Uh guys?"

"Yes?" said the group.

"This is not a fake spaceship!" cried Rastaban.

"You mean..." cried Dolohov.

Just then, the ship blasted and the Death Eaters found themselves floating in space.

"Oh dear," cried Rastaban. "Master's gonna kill us!" "But on the other hand," said Amycus, "We're the first wizards to go to space!"

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	7. In which they all deal with Count Olaf

**In which they all deal with Count Olaf...**

Voldemort, Bellatrix, Lucius, Snape, and Wormtail were all by themselves since all the others had taken off and became the first wizards to go to outer space.

But they weren't alone, because someone dared to cross over into their neighborhood. His name was Count Olaf and he was from A Series of Unfortunate Events. His reputation of greed was well-known.

Said evil count showed up at the front door just as Wormtail was sitting in the front porch trying to figure out a way to lure Sean Michael Black away from his crappy family. Wormtail said, "Who are you?"

"I am Count Olaf," said Count Olaf.

"I know you," snapped Wormtail. "You're evil. And this is what I do to people like you..." he pulled out his wand and zapped the evil count.

"Owie wowie zowie!" screamed Olaf. "What did you do that for?"

Wormtail said, "I don't like people like you! You caused way too many problems in that book. So I'm gonna mess you up!"

He then proceeded to zap Olaf several more times, until the Dark Lord came out and intervened. He said, "What are you doing, Wormtail?"

"Zapping Count Olaf," said Wormtail. "I know he murdered those Baudelaires."

"I see," said Voldemort. To Count Olaf, he said, "So, you're the one causing all kinds of disasters. I have news for you: I don't like that kind of thing, unless it's ME doing all the trouble-making. AVADA KEVADRA!"

At once, the evil Count Olaf fell dead, bringing a better conclusion to A Series of Unfortunate Events. But as for the Baudelaire orphans, they were nowhere to be found.

Voldemort said, "Well, once again, I am the ultimate bad guy! No one will dare challenge me!"

Wormtail said, "But what about Sean?"

"Oh, but of course," said Voldemort. "We still have to ruin his life."

But little did they know that Sean was watching them the whole time...

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	8. In Which they deal with Grindelore fanfi

**In Which they deal with Grindelore fanfiction**

Voldemort, Bellatrix, Lucius, Snape, and Wormtail were all by themselves since all the others had taken off and became the first wizards to go to outer space.

So they were naturally very bored and they decided to pursue some pastimes, which was to look up fanfiction about themselves on adultfanfiction(dot)com.

Usually, they sneered at stories written about them, but today, they decided to look up Grindelore fanfiction.

"Well, what did you expect?" Snape snapped. "That J. K. Rowling bitch decided to out Dumbledore and claim that he dated that Grindelwald when we all knew it was Sirius and Remus all along!"

"I hate her," said Bellatrix. "She botched up the final book and then she has the nerve to say that Dumbledore planned the whole damn thing from the beginning!" "Let's read some fanfics about them then," said Wormtail.

So for the next five hours, they all read some very smutty Grindelore fanfics. That was, until the Daily Prophet screamed that yes, Dumbledore and Grindelwald WERE indeed in a relationship. "I knew it!" cried Voldemort. "I'm gonna murder that lying, manipulating old bastard and and his equally stupid lover!"

"But Grindelwald is dead already," Lucius started.

"I'm bringing him back to life, and then I'm killing them again for their crap destroyed the wizarding world!" Voldemort yelled. Then he grabbed his wand and went out the door.

Wormtail looked at the others and said, "Is it just me or has he gone insane?"

Everyone nodded.

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I hope you understand all those references, because I'm not about to explain them for you!

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	9. In which the others return from their sp

**In which the others return from their space trip...**

In the last couple of episodes, several Death Eaters had gone on a secret (and unscheduled) space trip. They had gotten bored since Ernest (and Voldermort) insisted that they go to an art museum. Instead, they wound up on a space ship which was later blasted off to outer space and stayed for 2 weeks.

Here's what happened when they returned...

Fenrir said, "Well, finally! It's time for us to go home! I hate being up in space!"

"Are you kidding?" said Amycus. "that was the best fun I had in years!"

"And besides, we got to see the world as no wizard has seen it before," said Rosier.

"You're just saying that because you can't screw Amycus's sister without any muggle watching you," said Dolohov.

"Oh can it, Antonin," snapped Fenrir.

Just then, an astronaut said, "We're going to be landing in Florida in a few hours, so you better get ready."

"Oh very well," said Rookwood.

To tell you the truth, none of the Death Eaters were too happy about spending two weeks in space, especially among muggles they couldn't even kill.

"Why didn't we try apparating home?" cried Alecto.

"Why, I was thinking about that!" cried Barty. "And besides, I haven't bothered Wormtail in 2 weeks. The guy must miss me."

In truth, Wormtail was having the time of his life; Barty wasn't around to prank him, so he spent those 2 weeks relaxing and doing things he couldn't normally do with Barty around.

Dolohov and Rookwood said, "Well, why not? We should at laest try to find a way to come home, even if we can't get on the space ship with muggles."

So they all went to an empty corridor and Barty apparated first.

"Did he make it?" asked Amycus.

"Let's find out for ourselves," said Fenrir. So they all apparated and then found themselves in their backyard. "Yay! we're home! yelled Barty.

"I can't believe my crazy idea worked!" cried Alecto.

"Why didn't I think of that?" cried Rosier.

But their celebration was cut short when a rather very angry Lord Voldemort showed up.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" he yelled.

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	10. In which they get a visit from Darth Vad

**In which they get a visit from Darth Vader**

Voldemort prided himself on being the ultimate villain. So when he loked on the lists of best villains in the newspaper, he was shocked to find out that his #1 post was taken over by Darth Vader.

This made him angry, so he fired off a letter to the Sith Lord, which read, "_Who do you think you are? You think you're so wonderful in that stupid black metal suit and you're being voiced by that James Earl Jones! That guy has better things to do besides giving voices to the likes of you! And both your kids are just as bad and their friends are too! Even your teacher and that emperor sucked! So do us all a favor and just give up right now_!"

Well, when Vader received the letter, he wasn't too happy anbout it. So he set his ship to earth and went to Voldemort's house; he was angry that he had been humiliated by Voldemort and he needed to each him a lesson.

Wormtail saw him and said, "Darth Vader's here! Run for your lives!"

Everyone fled from the room as the cruel Sith lord walked into the front room. "Where is the fool known as Lord Voldemort?" he boomed.

Voldemort said, "Oh, there you are! You make me laugh with your stupidity and your scary voice! What have you done that was evil?"

Vader said, "I killed scores of Jedis and anyone who didn't die escaped. I also broke my wife's heart and I wasn't even there for my kids when they were growing up. So what about you? I heard you killed your mother in childbirth and murdered your father's entire family. You murdered scores of people just because some foolish man saw fit to destroy you. So what do you say to that?"

Wormtail said, "You don't have any minions to command and stuff! You suck!" Vader grabbed him in a force-choke and he screamed.

"That's enough!" screamed Bellatrix and she grabbed Wormtial and took him to the couch. "Your theme song is as annoying as heck and you should have remained good and spared us from those crappy 1970's movies and _Revenge of the Sith_!"

"Then all we'd be seeing is dumb old Han Solo's space party and we would all shoot George Lucas for making such crappy movies," said Wormtail.

"Well," said Vader, "I would love to torment you some more, but duty calls. I will return to finish this."

He left the house and Voldemort said, "I think it's time we dealt with anyone who's better than me, or thinks they're better than me. I will NOT be ignored! Muggles will learn to appreciate me one way or another!"

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Don't you just love the Star Wars thing?

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	11. In which they deal with Sean

**In which they deal with Sean**

Voldemort was glad his plans to deal with Sean was coming to frutition. Earlier, Sean had defied him and even had the Knights spy on his place several different times. Voldemort had had enough with Sean and now it was time to teach that stubborn wizard a lesson.

So one night, they snuck into Sean's house as he was getting ready for bed. When Sean had his back turned, Rookwood and Dolohov grabbed him and dragged him from his house. "Hey, what are you doing?" Sean cried.

"We're taking you away," said Rookwood.

"But why?" Sean cried out.

"We're tired of you being married to that woman," said Rookwood.

"So we're going to remove you from that place and bring you to a better place," said Dolohov. They then removed Sean from his bedroom and went back to their house.

Voldemort laughed as soon as he saw them dragging poor Sean into the front room. Sean snapped, "Why are you kidnapping me?"

"Because we have to intervene here," said the Dark Lord. His Death Eaters leered at the Knight. Bellatrix said, "We're tired of your lies, Sean Michael Rowes. We don't like your marriage and your children aren't behaving any better. So we gave them an incentive to choose either that bitch or you as their mother."

"You're insane, Bellatrix," Sean snapped. "Very insane. Adair, Lidie, and Seamus know who their mother is. It's Lindsey."

SLAP! Lucius slapped Sean across his face and said, "You filthy liar!"

Sean rose to his feet and said, "Watch it, Lucius, lest I hurt you as well."

"You will reveal the truth!" He snapped.

"And what if I say no?" Sean snapped.

Within 5 seconds, he found himself locked in a small room, begging to be let out. "No," said Voldemort. "He does NOT get out. Not until he admits everything."

"His Knights will come calling," said Wormtail.

"We will deal with them," said the Dark Lord.

To Be Continued...

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Don't you just love the Star Wars thing?

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	12. In which the kids's families try to take

**In which the kids's families try to take them back**

If you thought the kids were safe from their crappy stories, think again. The families of Corrie Anne Gambit, Tyler Potter, Chloe, Addison Yabut, Bartok Rasputin, Sara Lee, Ivy Warrington, Donnie Nevis, Slade Fangoir, Treasure Desiree Spartan Dara Lightfoot Cunningham Reuel Tolkien-Cullen, Suchart Seeker and Shara Shaze were very angry that the Dark Lord had taken their children and brainwashed them into accepting his evil ways, so they were going to try to take them back.

Wormtail was sitting outside the house when he noticed an angry troop of people standing in the front yard. "What do you want?" he asked.

A woman said, "Give us back our children!"

"And what makes you think we will give in to your demands?" Wormtail mocked.

"We have lawyers!" yelled a man. "Now give back the children or else!"

"Or else what?" Wormtail mocked again. "You're just a bunch of stupid muggles! You can't do magic! And besides, my master only removed children who wouldn't be missed. You'll have to take it up with him!"

"And they shall," said the Dark Lord as he came out. "I read your stories and I must say I'm upset at the way you would treat these wonderful, special children. So go away now or else you will all be avada kevadra'd!"

But the people refused to move. In fact, they began demanding to see their children. Bellatrix said, "Well if you insist, I have made a home video to show you in case you would come up."

Home video: The kids were all arranged on a huge sofa. "Now, tell the truth, kids," Bellatrix's voice was heard. "Do you miss your families?" A chorus of no's followed. "Do you miss your friends?"

"No."

"Do you think your lives are better here, with us? Where you belong?"

"Yes."

"As you can see," said Lord Voldemort, "the kids are perfectly happy here. There's no need for them to return to you and their stories and their pathetic lives. Now go home unless you want to die."

"And if you come back," said Wormtail, "we'll kill you!"

"Let's erase their memories so we won't be bothered again," said Lucius. Very soon, all the adult's memories had been erased and they found themselves back in their stories.

"Let's hope they never come back," said Lucius. "The kids are happy here."

But Sean was not. He wanted out and if he could, he would take the kids with him. But that is another story.

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Nicely done! In case you haven't notice, the children listed in this chapter are mine.

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	13. In which Lucius tries to write a vampire

**In which Lucius tries to write a vampire romance novel**

Lucius smirked as he saw the girls reading _Twilight_ once again. He smiled, thinking_ if only I could get my hands on that book, then I'd see why they love it so much_. But then he had another idea: _**he** would write a vampire novel as well, one that was so chock-full of romance that the girls (and any other woman who read the book) would never be able to put it down_.

He went to a store and got enough computers for everyone. Ok, he did that by putting the imperius curse on the salespeople and forcing them to get all the latest and fastest computers on the market. That being done, he went home and forced Wormtail to set up all the computers in the den.

That night, he explained his intention to the rest of the group. Bellatrix smiled, "Well, that sounds nice. We can't have too many vampire novels, or can we?"

Alecto said, "Oh, please, Bella! Can't we have stories about werewolves instead?"

"You're only saying that because you're dating Fenrir Greyback," said Wormtail.

"Am not!" yelled Alecto.

"Are too!" yelled Dolohov.

"D2!" yelled Rosier.

"If I hear that stupid character's name again," fumed Lucius.

"But McNair and I are just playing chess," said Rosier.

"Liar," Alecto mumbled under her breath.

"MINIONS!" yelled Voldemort. "You are all to help Lucius write his vampire novel! And that's an order!" The Death Eaters grumbled as they were shoved into computers and Lucius dictated his story out.

The story was about a foolish girl who didn't believe in vampires until one night, she was kidnapped by one. She is then brought to his castle, where the vampires living there must ally with werewolves to take on a town filled with deep-sated hatred and superstitious beliefs.

Needless to say, Lucius's book was popular because vampires were popular. Even Stephenie Meyer loved the book. But J. K. Rowling didn't, and she was determined to teach the Death Eaters a lesson.

Not that they would learn anything from her anyway.

* * *

I must thank Stephenie Meyer for this one.

You all know what to do: REVIEW & SUBSCRIBE!


	14. In Which They Deal With Adult FanFiction

**In Which They Deal With Adult FanFiction Stories written about them**

Voldemort wasn't particularly fond of fanfiction stories written about him or his Death Eaters, but he did read those stories anyway.

But there was one site he hated, which was called AdultFanfiction(dot)com. He hated how the site was filled with such naughty things people did to each other in those stories. But worst of it was that most adults on that site liked to write naughty stories centering on himself and one Harry Potter.

So one day, Voldemort had had enough with those kinds of stories. He set out to deal with the people who wrote adult fanfiction stories about him.

He called his Death Eaters and they all gathered in the dining room. They too were sick and tired of adult fanfiction. Voldemort said, "I know we're all sick and tired of adults writing naughty fanfics about us." Everyone agreed. "But I say we expose those fanfics to children and betray the names of the authors. They will be ridiculed and shamed!"

"But why not hack into the website and shut it down?" cried Nott.

"Uh, that would be stupid, not to mention illegal," said Wormtail. "But instead, let's make a fake website detailing only things about us and use the link to adult fanfiction."

"Very good," said Voldemort. "We now have a temporary mean to stop the adult fanfiction movement."

"But wait," said Alecto. "They'll know we did it! They can trace it to our computers!"

"I'm way ahead of all of you," said Lucius. He had stolen Lindsey's computer and had gained access to the website. Within a few hours, the Death Eaters had created a fake website will with silliness and stuff, then hijacked the link to adultfanfiction(dot)com.

Needless to say, their deed caused hours of headaches and shock, not to mention complaints on Twitter. Lord Voldemort laughed as even the late night comedians had a field day regarding the story about the shut-down adult fanfiction sites.

And as for Lindsey, the government traced the bug and fake website to her computer and arrested her. She denied everything, saying that her computer had been stolen, but no one believed her.

Not even the Death Eaters, who plotted to expose her as a fraud regarding Sean...

* * *

You all know what to do: REVIEW & SUBSCRIBE!


	15. In Which they deal with the Knights & Li

**In Which they deal with the Knights & Lindsey**

A few chapters ago, Sean Michael Black was kidnapped by the Death Eaters. The Dark Lord and several others knew about his damning secrets, secrets he hid from the world...until now.

Will, Jadis, Mel, Richard, Solomon, and several other Knights had been leading a search for Sean, a search they believed that would turn up Sean's dead body. That was, until someone noticed Sean at the Dark Lord's house and alerted Jadis. She was determined to get her revenge.

With her was Lindsey and the children Adair, Lidie, and Seamus. Mel, Will, Detrich, and Evolet were also there. They wanted Sean to come home.

"Belinda Jade Evans," Bellatrix mocked as Jadis kicked down the door to the house. "You decided to come here."

"Where's Sean?" Jadis snapped. "What have you done with him?"

"He's safe," said Bellatrix, "a lot safer than a certain woman is about to become!"

"Leave Sean alone!" cried Lindsey. "He's allergic to people like you! You also stole my computer and now I'm under investigation for hacking into a website..."

"So you're the woman who took Sean and corrupted him?" Lucius snarled in anger. "AVADA KEVADRA!" He waved his wand and Lindsey fell down dead.

"Lucius!" cried Alecto. "We could have at least given her a chance to explain herself..."

"And allow her to lie to us? NEVER!" Lucius snapped. "I know Sean all too well!"

"He _did_ attend Hogwarts with us," said Narcissa.

"And so did I," Jadis snapped. "Now, where is he?"

Sean said, "I'm over here!" He bounded down the steps and tripped over Lindsey's dead body and went careening into the wall, knocking himself unconscious. "I told you you shouldn't have killed her," Alecto snapped.

"Enough, minions!" snapped the Dark Lord. "Send the Knights home, but leave me the children. Lucius has something to tell them." Narcissa gathered the children as Jadis said, "This isn't over yet! We'll get him back...eventually!"

After all was said and done, Sean was lying in bed, with Wormtail forced to watch him in case he woke up. Lucius frowned, saying to himself, "Oh Merlin, what have I done?"

(this story isn't over yet! more about it will follow...)

* * *

You all know what to do: REVIEW & SUBSCRIBE!


	16. In which they deal with iPods and Kindle

**In which they deal with iPods and Kindles**

Voldemort frowned when he saw the kids playing with their iTouches and ebook readers. He said, "What are you kids doing?"

"I'm reading a book," said Treasure.

"I'm on Twitter," said Addison.

"I'm trying to figure out how to get this crappy song off my iTouch," said Sara Lee.

Voldemort frowned and left the kids to themselves. How on earth do they manage to get under his skin and make him do stuff he didn't need to do?

Or wait...he needed a Kindle as well.

So he and Wormtail went to a store to buy one, but the saleswoman tried to charge him over $2,000 just to buy an ebook reader and an iTouch, but Wormtail Imperio'd her and Voldemort was able to get his stuff.

"I'm going to have to give him some kind of reward," Voldemort sat to Bellatrix as he watched the kids set everything up. "Wormtail's been quite helpful lately."

"Probably since that Dumbledore isn't around to bother him," said Bellatrix.

"Or he's trying to erase the reputation that J. K. Rowling has set up for him," said Voldemort. "Now let's see what those brats have this time."

Needless to say, Voldemort got several books from Amazon, all which dealt with how to be a cruel and evil leader. His iTouch was filled with dark music. He smiled, knowing that he could be evil and yet make the kids get him cool stuff.

And he still was going to humiliate poor Sean...

* * *

You all know what to do: REVIEW & SUBSCRIBE!


	17. In which they deal with the Volturi

**In which they deal with the Volturi**

Voldemort frowned as he watched the girls get tickets to see _New Moon_ the movie. He was forced to read the entire _Twilight_ series on his Kindle and watch _Twilight_ on DVD again and again. But that wasn't the worst of it, as now tickets were being sold and all the girls were eager to go to the movies.

He frowned as he sat in his seat, waiting as Treasure, Sara Lee, Corrie Anne, Shara, and Chloe went to get the snacks. Another man sitting behind him said, "You too?"

"What?" Voldemort snapped as he turned to face the man.

"My wife dragged me here," said the man.

"Figures," Voldemort sighed.

"I'm taking my daughter," said another man, who was in the back row.

"Same here," said another man.

"So I'm hearing that you men are being dragged here by your wives and daughters?" said Voldemort.

"I'm here too," Bellatrix smiled as she and the girls, plus Ernest, showed up and took their seats. Voldemort stared at her. "I wanted to see that movie as well," she protested.

"Yeah yeah," the Dark Lord frowned as the movie finally began.

After nearly 4 hours of groaning at the sight of scores of teenaged girls and their mothers squealing over "_EDWARD_!" and "_JACOB_!" (_and someone shouted "**CARLISLE**!", but Treasure yelled back, "He's WAY too old for you!"_), Voldemort was more than relieved when the movie FINALLY ended and the theater began to empty. On the way home, he heard the girls saying, "That Aro was creepy!"

"Not to mention GAY!" cried Sara Lee.

"That Caius is a jerk!" cried Chloe.

"Don't even get me started on Marcus," said Shara. "That guy is iffy beyond all reasoning."

Voldemort frowned and asked, "Who are you talking about?"

"The Volturi," said Corrie Anne. "They're the worst vampires out there in the world."

"I see," said Bellatrix. "We're going to have a word with those guys. They can't be taking our bad guys spot."

After a rant on his personal blog about how horrible the Volturi were, Voldemort was more than pleased when he saw three angry vampires show up at his front door. Aro wore dark clothes and his long dark hair blew in the wind. Caius looked like a dead ringer for Ernest's long-lost twin, with his light-blonde hair and red eyes. Marcus's graying hair bunched around his head. They frowned as they stared at Lord Voldemort.

"Lord Voldemort," Aro began.

"I believe you meant to say _Lord Crappy-Mort_," Caius interrupted him.

"What do you want?" the Dark Lord snapped.

"To know where you got the gall to insult us like that," said Marcus. "Didn't you see the movie?"

"Yeah, I saw the damn movie," Voldemort yelled.

"You should have known it was a bad idea to provoke the Volturi," said Aro. "And we have been provoked."

"We don't take too kindly to insults," said Caius.

"You have five seconds to retract your rant or else," Marcus threatened.

Sean stared out the wondow of his prison and thought to himself _oh boy! freedom! _But a closer look revealed that these guys were quite dangerous. Not to mention that they were vampires. Who knew what they would do to him if they found him?

Wormtail said, "I see you guys must be hungry after your long trip. Would you care for some cookies?"

"What are you doing, Wormy?" yelled Barty. "Don't you know that THAT's the Volturi?"

"Volturi?" cried Alecto.

"They're the meanest vampires on the face of the earth," said Mulciber. "If you make fun of them, they get to tear you into pieces!"

"Looks like we gotta defend our boss," said Dolohov as they grabbed their wands and rushed to the front door.

Aro saw them and laughed. "As if your magic sticks are going to stop us," he taunted.

"You mean we can't zap you or anything?" cried Wormtail.

"Nope," said Caius. "But you CAN get humiliated because I've dug up a lot of dirt on you guys."

"Mainly kidnapping children and torturing neighbors," said Marcus.

"And you called us stupid," said Aro. "When are you going to learn that we're better than you? Your magic wands can't do anything against us. So just give up already."

"Like we're ever gonna give up," snapped Fenrir. "Let's zap their butts off!"

But within 5 seconds, the Knights, led by Jadis, burst in and apprehended the Death Eaters. "Thanks a lot," said Jadis. "We've been dying to do that for a while since they kidnapped our leader."

"I see," Caius snapped.

"What's his deal?" cried Solomon.

"I don't know," said Marcus.

Sean saw everyone and shouted, "Oh, thank you God! I'm free!" He rushed out and said, "This isn't over, Voldemort! Not by a long shot!"

"Of course it's not over yet," Voldemort snapped. "Not with you, or them! I'll do whatever it takes to earn back my spot as the #1 villain!"

But little did he know that when he said those words, he had sealed the fates of not only his own, but the Death Eaters, the children, and Sean's fates as well...

Caius smirked and said, "I have a feeling that we're going to have fun torturing that guy."

"You said it," said Marcus.

* * *

Well, in "_The Volturi Diaries_", the Volturi will fight the Dark Lord.

You all know what to do: REVIEW & SUBSCRIBE!


	18. In which the Malfoys and Lestranges try

**In which the Malfoys and Lestranges try to have a family outing**

"Draco!" yelled Lucius. "Let's get ready to go!" Draco frowned as he came out of his room. Narcissa yelled, "Draco Malfoy, you put a sweater on! It's windy outside!"

"Perfect!" cried Rudolphus. "Now I can test out that new kite I got for Christmas!"

Bellatrix came to them with an oversized picnic basket. "I've cleaned out most of the pantry," she called out. "Can you believe that Fenrir eats and doesn't even care about the rest of us?"

"Selfish jerk," frowned Rastaban.

"Come on," said Lucius, "let's not complain about Fenrir. We're going to have a nice day outside, providing if Ernest can get away from his art studio."

"No," said Bellatrix, "but he is taking his art with him."

After a bit of persuasion (and protesting on Narcissa's part), Ernest had packed up his art supplies and everyone piled into a mini van. But they didn't get too far, since someone pointed out Rastaban and Lucius as the culprits behind the vandalism of the Percy Jackson movie posters at the movie theater.

Needless to say, there was no picnic, as everyone was forced to drive to Wales and "_lie low_". Ernest was not very happy.

* * *

I saw the Percy Jackson movie yesterday. It wan't too bad, though. But I leave it to you to decide how Percy should deal with the Death Eaters.

You all know what to do: REVIEW & SUBSCRIBE!


	19. In which they deal with iPads

So this is where it all ends... :(

* * *

**In which they deal with iPads**

Voldemort frowned as he saw Wormtail trying to work with a new device."What is that, Wormy?" he asked.

Wormtail said, "Oh that? That's an iPad. I got one of those in the mail because of Facebook."

"I see," said Voldemort. He walked off thinking to himself iPads? A flat computer? One that will help people surf the net? What will they think of next? I hope the kids don't get into that!

To make a long story short, Voldemort was forced to get an iPad after some persuasion from the kids. He really wanted to crash Sean's Oscar-viewing party and get Sean back for escaping from him and having him get humiliated by the Volturi.

* * *

Author's note: And this is where the story ends. I was a bit burned out trying to churn in lots of fics for you all, and as promised, this will be my final fanfiction story for _Harry Potter_.

I must admit I had loads of fun writing Harry Potter fanfiction, but a few years ago, I got bored with this fandom and with me switching to Twilight fics and other fandoms, I feel that I shall bid the Harry Potter fandom adieu.

So I leave you with this forever. Farewell to nearly 6 years of reading and writing Harry Potter fanfiction.

You all know what to do: REVIEW & SUBSCRIBE!


	20. And Another Thing

And another thing...

(_Voldemort is talking to Tyler, Chloe, Corrie Anne, and Addison_)

**Voldemort**: Well, you know what they say: _if hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, then there is no worser crap than a child rejected_. Am I right?

**Chloe**: You sure are.

**Addison**: And besides, children who are rejcted often go bad.

**Voldemort**: But Potter didn't.

**Tyler**: Which Potter? I'm _Tyler_ Potter.

**Voldemort**: Oh, oooops!

* * *

(_Voldemort is confronting Ernest_)

**Voldemort**: You come back here right now, young man! I am your father!

**Ernest**: But I thought that Rudolphus Lestrange is my father!

**Voldemort**: No he's not! Not with my eyes and that white head of yours.

**Ernest**: That's not true!

**Voldemort**: Yes it is, little Ernest, or should I call you Thomas.

**Ernest**: Thomas?

**Voldemort**: That's right, little Thomas. You are not Ernest Rudolphus Grant Lestrange. You are Thomas Salazar Marvolo Riddle.

**Ernest**: But that's not true! Why?

**Voldemort**: Because I had an affair with your mother, shortly before she was sent to Azkaban for torturing the Longbottoms. She later had you and handed you over to her sister.

**Ernest**: Who? Andromeda?

**Voldemort**: Not that pathetic sister. Narcissa. She and her husband raised you.

**Ernest**: But I don't believe any of it.

**Voldemort**: Now you do.

* * *

(_Voldemort and the kids are still out there_)

**Voldemort**: And now, I say we go out for some ice cream and watch "_Stardust_".

**Lucius**: (_to Snape_) Ok. He has defintely lost it.

* * *

(_Voldemort and the kids raid the movie theater_)

**Voldemort**: Ok, kids, I've got us some movies that we can watch today. Why don't we see _Fred Claus_, then _Enchanted_, and then finish off with _Bee Movie?  
_

_**Tyler**: __Bee Movie_? That's for babies!  


**Voldie**: Ok then. Why don't we watch that store movie then?

_**Lucius** (__to Snape_): Is it just me, or has our boss gone a bit insane?

* * *

(_the gang piles into the van_)

**Voldie**: Let's get ready to go, minions! Yes, Severus, you have to go; yes, Lucius, your hair is fine, yes Wormtail, you have to sit next to Barty...

**Wormtail**: (_to Avery_) Is it just me or does Barty have a crush on me?

**Avery**: Why no! Seriously, Wormy, who'd have a crush on you?

**Rastaban**: Some crazy chick who eventually dumps him and their baby.

**Wormtail**: I wasn't talking to you, Rastaban!

**Rastaban**: I think Barty likes you. Don't you, Barty?

**Barty**: Well, he's kind of cute in bed...yes, I like you, Wormtail.

**Wormtail**: Bugger!

* * *

(_dealing with snakes on a plane_)

**Bellatrix**: Master, I'm not feeling well. Can you escort me to the restroom?

**Voldie**: Why yes, Bella. (_to Lucius_) Keep an eye on them; it'll take a moment...(_he and Bella had towards the back of the plane_)

**Wormtail**: I hate my life; my boss is a jerk, Lucius is too pretty, Bella is a slut, and Barty is gay for me...what the hell is this? (_something has slithered by his ankles-and it's not Nagini_!) OH MY GOD! IT'S A SNAKE! (_screams like a girl_)

**Rudolphus**: (_hearing Wormtail's scream_) What was that? (_sees a snake_) MOTHER OF MERLIN! THERE'S A SNAKE ON THE PLANE! (_then all hell breaks loose as hundreds of snakes invade the plane, scaring all the passengers and flight crew on board_)

**Rastaban**: I HATE SNAKES!

**Alecto**: SNAKES ARE THE SPAWN OF SATAN!

**Lucius**: I'M TOO PRETTY TO BE BITTEN BY A SNAKE! (_just then, Voldie and Bella show up. We all know what they were doing in the bathroom_)

**Voldie**: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

**Snape**: Some snakes got on the plane, sir! (_screams his head off as a snake circles his neck_)

**Bella**: (_to a snake_) Get away, just get away! Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo! I don't like you! (_screams as the snake surrounds her body. A Samuel L. Jackson lookalike shows up_!)

**Lookalike**: I'M GETTING TIRED OF THESE MOTHERF-ING SNAKES UP ON THIS MOTHERF-ING PLANE!

**Lucius**: What are you gonna do about it? (_the lookalike turns down the temperature; it's freezing on the plane_) Now what?

**Lookalike**: Well, let's see who caused this trouble...(_Galbatorix laughs as the door opens, then screams when a group of angry passengers glare at him_)

**Galbatorix**: It was just a bit of fun, wasn't it, Durza?

**Durza**: Oh yes it was, milord. It was so much fun conjuring up those snakes and watching everyone freak out...

**Galbatorix**: And now that I have your attention, I'm looking for a young man named Murtagh...(_Wormtail pulls out his wand_)

**Wormtail**: (_waving his wand_) AVADA KEDAVRA! (_Galbatorix falls down dead_) And as for you, you little punk...

**Durza**: Uh, you cannot kill me. I'm a shade.

**All**: Oh, ok. Now get rid of these snakes.

**Durza**: Sure. (_nods his head-snakes disappears_)

* * *

(_Snape discovers some naughty fanfiction stories centering on himself and Harry_)

**Snape**: (_reading the fanfic_) "_Then Harry said, 'Oh God, this feels so good!' Snape could only-_" (_he gets angry_) OK, NOW WHO WROTE THIS SH-T?

**Wormtail**: (_laughing_) That oughta teaching him to hate Harry for what James did to him!

**Amycus**: Yeah! Now who'd came up with the idea to set Sev up with Potter? I likes it!

**Alecto**: Oooooh, I love the idea!

**Avery**: Hey, why don't we try to do that in real life?

**Wormtail**: Yeah! Great idea! Let's see what master thinks.

**Voldie**: Well, I like that idea! Seeing as those two practically spend so much time together...Oh Severus!

**Snape**: What now, you stupid b-tch? Or are you all a bunch of stupid fanboys?

**Voldie**: Severus, I order you to date Harry Potter and make out with him contantly for the pleasure of the Fanboys Club.

**Snape**: You want me to make out with that little prat for your own damn pleasure? (_the fanboys nod_) YOU MUST BE KIDDING! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?

**Voldie**: That it would be so cool if you were to actually date him, and no I'm not kidding. NOW DO MY BIDDING! (_Snape leaves_)

**Snape**: He is so gonna regret this!

* * *

(_an unintimate moment between Lucius and Narcissa_)

**Narcissa**: Lucius, you hardly ever speak to me anymore. Why?

**Lucius**: My boss is being a kid-lover; Fudge is a jerk...

**Narcissa**: Maybe a kiss would make things better.

**Lucius**: Maybe. (_they kiss. Ernest sees them and starts crying_)

**Ernest**: Oh Uncle Lucius, how could you hurt me so?

* * *

(_Voldie makes some more new friends_)

**Voldie**: Ok! Who wants to be my new friend?

**Moira**: Well, nobody exactely likes me; I'm too safe...

**Voldie**: You're hired. Anyone else?

**Ivy**: Everyone makes fun of me because I'm a guy who just happens to have a girl's name...

**Voldie**: You're in. Anyone else?

**Bartok**: Nobody in my family likes me!

**Moira**: Oh my God! You're Bartok from _the Rasputins Show_!

**Bartok**: Not anymore. They fired me because they think I am retarded.

**Voldie**: Well, well, well, what have we here? An actor?

**Bartok**: Well, yeah?

**Voldie**: I like child actors! You're on my show now!

**Snape**: (_to Lucius_) God, I hate that child-loving b-tch!

**Lucius**: Same here. He's gonna get himself in so much trouble one day and we won't help him...

**Voldie**: You two WILL help me or else it's _avada kedavra_!

**Snape and Lucius**: Yes, sir.

* * *

(_Bella questions Ernest about Lucius_)

**Bella**: Now, Ernest, Lucius tells me that you've been seeing him. Why?

**Ernest**: I'm in love with him, Mother. I want to be with him all the time.

**Bella**: I see. My little baby boy's in love. LUCIUS? (_Lucius shows up_) WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS SH-T?

**Lucius**: Oh, Bella-dear, I didn't think...

**Bella**: DIDN'T THINK, DID YOU? RIGHT NOW MY LITTLE ERNEST IS LUSTING AFTER YOU!

**Lucius**: My goodness! I had no idea that Ernest like me THAT much!

**Bella**: What the hell did you expect? All his artwork centers on you! His diary entries are about him kissing you! And I'm not about to tell you that he dreams about you screwing him every single night!

**Voldie**: What's going on here?

**Bella**: My precious little boy...I mean OUR precious little boy is in love with Lucius Malfoy!

**Voldie**: Hmmmm...that's beautiful.

**Bella**: NO IT'S NOT! THIS IS OUR LITTLE BOY, NOT SOME PLAYBOY MODEL THAT WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE! WHAT KIND OF FATHER ARE YOU?

**Lucius**: C'mere, Ernest, let's go for a walk; it's going to be a while...

* * *

(_Wormtail confronts Barty_)

**Wormtail**: Ok Barty, what the hell is up with you?

**Barty**: What?

**Wormtail**: I have to sit next to you, We sleep in the same bedroom, I think your gay for me...

**Barty**: I am.

**Wormtail**: Now let's get something straight here, Mister Bartimaeus Crouch: I'm straight, I like girls, and there's no way that we're ever gonna hook up! You got that, punk!

**Barty**: (_taken back_) I didn't realize that you were like that, Peter. You're so mean! (_runs out the room crying_)

**Wormtail**: That's right, you little bastard; run away from me! I won't let you touch me! (_someone calls_ _him_)

**Voldie**: WORMTAIL?

**Wormtail**: Yes, master?

**Voldie**: (_waving his wand_) CRUCIO! (_Wormtail falls onto the ground, screaming his head off_) How dare you defy me!

**Wormtail**: But I'm a straight guy! I like girls! I'm not hooking up with Barty. NEVER!

**Voldie**: Let me remind you that you've had a bad experience with girls; that the only girl you ever loved broke your heart and abandoned your baby daughter. Why don't you wanna hook up with Barty? He's a nice guy, and he'll never break your heart like that slattern Jill did.

**Wormtail**: Oh...ok. I guess I'll talk to Barty then. (_he goes off to find Barty_)

**Voldie**: (_laughing to himself_) Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! I love guilting that guy into doing whatever I say!

* * *

(_Snape talks to Harry_)

**Snape**: Come in, Potter. We need to talk.

**Harry**: Why?

**Snape**: You've really been causing a lot of trouble in class lately. Do you have any problems at home?

**Harry**: No...

**Snape**: I can tell you're lying...

**Harry**: No, I'm NOT!

**Snape**: There's no need for you to yell at me, Potter.

**Harry**: Stay away from me! Don't talk to me! You don't like me, nor do you like my father! Just...I hate you! (_he starts crying. Snape reaches out to comfort him_) GET AWAY FROM ME! (_he cries even harder_)

**Snape**: Harry...(_Harry tries to fight him off, but fails. Snape holds him_) It's going to be ok, Harry...(_they kiss. the Fanboys Club is watching_)

**Avery**: All right Severus!

**Amycus**: About time he cracked!

**Wormtail**: I always knew he had a thing for Harry, just like he had a thing for James!

**Alecto**: And that's the next chapter in my story! (_all laugh_)

* * *

(_Voldie and his young Death Eaters raid yet another movie theater_.)

**Voldie**: How would you like it if we saw this "_Golden Compass_"?

**Kids**: Yeah! We'd all see it!

**Snape**: What is this world coming to?

* * *

(_at the Death Eater headquarters._ _Voldemort is interviewing a potential canidate_)

**Voldemort**: So, tell me, what experiences with any evil leader do you have?

**Donnie**: Oh, I have plenty.

**Bellatrix**: Such as?

**Donnie**: Well, I don't have much experience with magic, per se, but I did have to deal with an evil leader who wanted to rule the world.

**Voldemort**: Are you sure?

**Donnie**: Yes.

**Voldemort**: Well, in that case, you're hired!

**Donnie**: Yay!

**Snape**: Oh crap! Another kid joins the group!

* * *

(_Voldemort and the kids are at a movie theater when he meets yet another potential candidate_)

**Voldemort**: OK, kids, let's all go watch "_Horton Hears a Who_". (_just_ _then, Treasure Tolkien from the_ **Not Another...Movies** _series shows up_)

**Treasure**: I wouldn't do that.

**Voldemort**: Why not?

**Treasure**: How old are you?

**Voldemort**: As if that's any of your business.

**Treasure**: Whatever. You're a little too old to be watching "_Horton Hears a Who_". Why don't you try watching "_Tyler_ _Perry's Meet the Brown's_" instead?

**Voldemort**: Aren't you a little too young to be watching that movie?

**Treasure**: Yeah, but my mom doesn't want me watching G-rated movies. She says they promote childish behavior.

**Voldemort**: I see. And now, I have you in my clutches, and you'll have to do as I say.

**Treasure**: Say what?

**Voldemort**: You're mine now, kid. (_to the other children_) Everyone into the movies now! (_they all run into the movie. Snape and Lucius start laughing_)

**Snape**: Hahahahahahahahahaha! (_a random woman walks up to him_)

**Woman**: Hey, what's so funny?

**Lucius**: We switched his tickets!

**Woman**: Uh-huh.

**Lucius**: You see, he wanted to see _Horton Hears a Who_ but what he doesn't know it that he's actually seeing _10,000 BC_ instead!

**Woman**: Oh, I get it. So you played a trick on him.

**Snape**: Yes! We're naughty, just like the twins! (_Fred and George show up_)

**Fred**: Impressive.

**George**: Most impressive.

**Twins**: But you have a long way to go before you get to our level! (_they and the woman laugh. Snape and Lucius groan. Meanwhile, Voldemort gets the shock of his life_)

**Voldemort**: Hey! This isn't _Horton Hears a Who_! This looks like _Jumper_!

* * *

_The Dark Lord is now going through a mid-life crisis, due to his series coming to an end on BOTH film and in the books; what shall he do with himself?_

**Claire**: _We now present to you 3 tales of what happened during Voldemort's mid-life crisis. First one up is his reaction to the "__Twilight__" craze that's sweeping the nation…_

**Voldemort**: My entire life sucks. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything.

**Bellatrix**: Oh but you have, Master. You're like the #1 villain of all time, next to Darth Vader and the Wicked Witch of the West.

**Voldemort**: But now that we're almost done, I mean, just look at us, Bellatrix. One minute, we're popular and everyone loves us…

**Bellatrix**: More like _hated us_, if you know what I mean.

**Voldemort**: And now we've been replaced by vampires. What the hell is "_Twilight_" and why the hell are teenaged girls reading it?

**Wormtail**: See for yourself. (_he is seen reading Twilight_)

**Voldemort**: Et tu, Wormtail? Uuuuuggggghhhhh! What the hell is up with this "Twilight"?

**Wormtail**: It's about this girl who moves to some rainy little town in Washington state and she meets a cute boy who's really a vampire and stuff like that. It's a good book, really.

**Bellatrix**: I guess I'll go read it then. (_she goes off to read __Twilght_)

**Voldemort**: What? Bellatrix too? Wormtail, you'd better have a good reason for this!

**Wormtail**: How should I know she wanted to read it? Ask the girls. They'll tell you everything you need to know about "_Twilight_".

**Voldemort**: Fine! (_he goes and finds Corrie Anne, Chloe, Maddy, and Treasure all sitting around reading "Twilight"_) And why are you girls reading it?

**Maddy**: I love this book. It's got romance and passion in it.

**Chloe**: And forbidden love.

**Treasure**: And vampires.

**Corrie Anne**: And all kinds of stuff Harry Potter doesn't even have. I wish I were Bella.

**Chloe**: Me too.

**Treasure**: I want a boyfriend who's a vampire.

**Maddy**: I wish I had Jacob Black. (_the other girls stare at her_) What? I like Jacob!

**Chloe**: Why would you like him? He's a jerk!

**Treasure**: I like Edward better.

**Maddy**: (_rips off her shirt, showing a Team Jacob shirt_) Team Jacob!

**Treasure & Chloe**: (_rips off their shirts, showing Team Edward shirts_) Team Edward!

**Corrie** **Anne**: (_rips off her shirt, showing a Team Switzerland shirt_) Team Switzerland! (_they all stare at her_) What? I don't like to get involved in these kinds of debates!

**Voldemort**: Whatever. Now can you girls please tell me why you love "_Twilight_" so much?

**Treasure**: Because _Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows_ was such a major letdown; 2, _Half-Blood Prince_ bailed on us in theaters, and #3, I just realized that we girls needed to stop texting our friends and read more.

**Voldemort**: I see. But I won't read the book.

**Girls**: Suit yourself. (_they go back to reading "Twilight"_)

* * *

**Voldemort**: Ok kiddies, now comes the time where you must learn to zap muggles and mudbloods, intimidate half-bloods, and reprimand blood-traitors.

**Treasure**: But isn't that promoting racism and discrimination and possible genocide?

**Voldemort**: Perhaps.

**Bartok**: But why do it?

**Voldemort**: Because it's so much fun! (_kids stare at him_) Oh right. Suppose I am just being retarded, as usual.

**Maddy**: Right you are. And from now on, you will all refer to me by the name Sara Lee. (_they all stare at her_)

**Addison**: But why would you want to change your name?

**Sara Lee**: Well, if Treasure can change her name at will, so can I. So there.

**Voldemort**: So what is the first thing we do when we approach a muggle, _she-who-until-five-seconds-ago-was-known-as-Maddy_?

**Treasure**: I never changed my first name, just my last name. And we'd kind of scare him off first.

**Voldemort**: That is correct.

**Sara Lee**: So let me get this straight: you're known as _Treasure Desiree Spartan Dara Lightfoot Reuel Tolkien_?

**Treasure**: Exactly.

**Tyler**: Are you having some kind of identity crisis?

**Treasure**: Well, first off, I'd take out the Lightfoot; it was my stepfather's name and his family hates me, and then I'd put in two more names. So I'd technically be _Treasure Desiree Spartan Dara Cunningham Reuel Tolkien Cullen_.

**Voldemort**: Anyone else wanting to explain your names?

**Slade**: Well, people just call me Slade; I don't know my real name and stuff like that.

**Ivy**: Ivy a girl's name, don't ask.

**Bartok**: My mom was on crack when she named me.

**Addison**: What about you? Don't you have an ultra cool name?

**Voldemort**: No; I'm just Lord Voldemort.

**Chloe**: Surely you don't have another name that you answer to?

**Voldemort**: No! Now drop it and leave it alone!

**Corrie Anne**: C'mon, we all know you haven't always been called Voldemort.

**Ivy**: And besides, we've already told you our names.

**Treasure**: Now out with it, what was your name?

**Voldemort**: Fine! My name was Tom Marvolo Riddle. (_kids start laughing_) See? I told you it would be completely useless telling you about my muggle name!

**Bellatrix**: You're doing the right thing, Master. The kids don't want smoke and mirrors; they can go to Vegas for that. No, they expect honesty, which is something they never got in their stories.

**Voldemort**: What am I doing? I'm letting these children get to me! I'm supposed to be the Dark Lord, not some fun-loving Disney character!

**Lucius**: Maybe you shouldn't have taken those children out of their stories.

**Voldemort**: Shut the hell up, you pompous bastard!

* * *

**Voldemort**: Ok kiddies, we're now at a muggle's house. Watch and learn how to torture a muggle. (_he breaks into the house_)

**Petunia**: Who's there? (_just then she sees the Dark Lord_) You're _him_, aren't you? You murdered my sister!

**Voldemort**: Please! You never even cared about her anyway! I'm taking you with me! (_he snatches Petunia and takes her to the children. There, he sees them talking to a very small boy_)

**Very Small Boy**: Hello, my name is Alexander and I wish to join you.

**Voldemort**: Very good, kids, you actually got someone to join us, which is actually not today's lesson. But anyway, I've captured a muggle and now you will torture her.

**Bartok**: So what's your name?

**Petunia**: Petunia Dursley. (_kids burst out laughing_) That's not funny! How would you feel if _I_ made fun of your names?

**Alexander**: You make fun of me all the time.

**Ivy**: You are exactly how I'd imagine a woman named Petunia would look like! So there! (_kids laugh again_)

**Petunia**: Make them stop!

**Voldemort**: Why should I? They've gotten their own way of torturing muggles, methinks. Children! (_they all look at him_) Next part of the lesson: remind her of how pathetic she is compared to her dear sister Lily!

**Treasure**: Why would we need to do anything like that? Anyone can tell that lilies are more beautiful than petunias. (_kids laugh again_)

**Petunia**: That was insulting!

**Voldemort**: Aren't they great? Final part of the lesson: make her wish she was dead!

**Bartok**: You're kidding, right? Her mother should have aborted her! (_this time, complete and utter silence_)

**Voldemort**: What happened, kids? Why aren't you all laughing?

**Treasure**: Because abortion is both morally wrong and horrible. Abortion means to kill an innocent baby before it's born. It's just evil.

**Voldemort**: Meaning…

**Slade**: What if _your_ mom aborted _you_?

**Voldemort**: I guess I'd never be born to begin with, thus adverting a thousand griefs I inflicted upon the wizard and muggle worlds.

**Tyler**: See? Life is so much better when every baby is born, be they good or evil, and each baby is allowed to grow up in the world.

**Addison**: Here's how I see it: abortion means a child will never be born, they'll never learn to walk, talk or see the world; they'll never get to taste the pleasures of food nor experience the joys of living.

**Sara Lee**: Wow, Addie. I never thought about that.

**Voldemort**: And that's why…(_he sees Petunia trying to sneak back into her house_) Dammit! I was so distracted hearing you kids talk about morals and good things I failed to see that our quarry is getting away!

**Ivy**: She won't get too far! (_just then, Petunia is caught in a trap set by Ivy and Chloe_)

**Treasure**: Seems like ivy and chloe beats out petunias hmmm? (_kids laugh_)

**Petunia**: It's not fair!

**Voldemort**: Life's not fair, isn't it? Well, let's take her and leave! (_they all return to headquarters_)

**Bellatrix**: What's _she_ doing here?

**Voldemort**: I've captured her and I'm going to use her to lure out the Potter boy so I can kill him!

**Snape**: You do know he cares nothing for this wrench?

**Voldemort**: Really? Very well then; take her to the dungeons! (_Death Eaters take a screaming Petunia to the dungeons_) Very good children, even if your methods are a bit…unorthodox. But as for you Bartok, as punishment for suggesting that women should get an abortion, you will be scrubbing the floors for 5 months! (_Bartok is taken away_) And as for little Alexander, we're all glad you joined us.

**Snape**: Yay, yet another brat joins us. Woo hoo. Let's welcome him with a song. (_Wormtail comes out singing Rick Astley's _**Never Gonna Give You Up**)

**Voldemort**: What the hell? Wormtail can _sing_?

**Chloe**: He can dance as well!

**Wormtail**: (_singing_) _We're no strangers to love / You know the rules and so do I / A full commitment's what I'm thinking of / You wouldn't get this from any other guy / I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling / Gotta make you understand_

**Wormtail & random Death Eaters**: _Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down / Never gonna run around and desert you / Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye / Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you…_

**Voldemort**: Hey! What the hell's going on here?

**Wormtail**: Oh this? Well…I kind of have something to tell you…

**Voldemort**: What?

**Everyone**: You've been Rickroll'd! (_song continues playing and everyone dances. Voldemort frowns to himself_)

**Voldemort**: Severus, Lucius, you were right!

**Snape**: We sure as hell were, weren't we, Luce?

**Lucius**: Of course. You never should have kidnapped those children and brainwashed them into your evil ideals.

**Snape**: And what about Draco?

**Lucius**: Completely different! Those children have now destroyed the final shred of badness that you have left in you!

**Voldemort**: Oh, *_really_*? Then get a load of this! (_he shows them a video of the kids torturing Petunia_)

**Snape**: Wow. I stand corrected.

**Lucius**: Me too.

**Voldemort**: I'll never be good! In fact, I'm badder than ever! And with the kids' ability to make fun of a person, I'll be back to my old self in an instant! Mwahahahahahahahaha!

**Lucius**: I still say he's gone nutters!

* * *

New Years Resolutions

**Snape**: I'll realize that Harry is not like his father.

**Voldemort**: I'd go into therapy to get help for my issues.

**Bellatrix**: I'll be a better person.

**Quirrell**: I'd stop being a whiny jerk.

**Malfoy**: I'll push harder to make Harry be my friend.

**Wormtail**: Next time, I'm picking my own friends!

**Lucius**: I will stop acting like a pompous jerk.


End file.
